Hello beautiful world. It’s me. I am still here! I am not entirely sure who I am anymore but I am here.
Motherhood is a wonderful beast that carries a different path for everyone. It’s been pretty overwhelming for me hence why I haven’t really been around lately. Through the lack of sleep, loss of identity, sadness, struggles and daily mundane tasks, I know there is still so much beauty and joy to be found. Harrison is an incredible little soul and I am so lucky to have such a healthy and strong son. I will never take that for granted, but it’s still ok to admit defeat. Motherhood has me broken. I know it will get better but this is where you will currently find me and the more I speak openly to other new mums the more I realise this can be a pretty normal feeling! So I figured, whilst I had a moment to sit down quietly, I should share my REAL experience, not just a glossy version of how everyone wants it to look.
I haven’t slept more than 2-3 hours straight for the entirety of Harrison’s time on this earth, perhaps the odd 5 hour chunk that I could count on one hand. Exhaustion is a cruel form of torture! It has meant that even though I know I am a good mother, I feel like a terrible human. It leaves you feeling like there isn’t much to give. My husband gets left behind and so does our gorgeous dog. I just try and give Harrison as much as I can and then curl in to a ball and sob when I get a chance. It’s not a pretty picture but it happens pretty often. Maybe other mums will feel better about themselves if they know they aren’t the only one. Perhaps the way society has us set up today has meant we have a high chance of feeling this way as I now truely understand why they say it takes a village to raise a child.
It’s ok though. It’s not all doom and gloom! When I see Harrison smile at everyone as we go for a stroll or reach out for me when he is upset, my heart melts and I soften into the role of mother, carer, teacher, protector. It’s a big role. One that maybe needs more education and equal amounts of hours spent learning about during pregnancy. We learn all about birth and pregnancy but we don’t seem to get too much about what happens beyond those first few weeks with a newborn. It’s during that time that the shine of a newborn has worn off and your support team often cruises back in to their own life and you are left alone with this gorgeous little human who is learning everything for the very first time. They are learning about love, sadness, pain, joy, boredom, play, days, nights and everything in between and you are the connector and safety that holds space for all these experiences. Its a big task and on top of that you may also be wondering about going back to work, how to pay for bills, what to cook for dinner (”is there even any food in the fridge?”), there are about 5 loads of laundry that needs to be washed, the car needs petrol, your husband is headed interstate for a week and you are worried about how you will cope and the questions go on and on. It’s tough Mumma, and you are not the only one feeling this way. It’s not wrong, it’s just what is happening.
Breathe, take 3 deep breaths.
Stop fighting the tiredness. Stop dwelling on all the big questions. Come back to this moment because this moment is all your need to worry about right now. Your energy is limited so focus on what needs to happen today. Leave everything else behind.
You might be realising that some things and tasks and people no longer have a place in your life. It’s ok to let go and change. It’s ok to shut off from the world for a few weeks in order to catch back up with yourself, your life and maybe even grab an extra half an hour sleep at night. Realise that you have EVERYTHING you need right now. Your child needs you, not a perfect version of how you think you should be as a mother. All those instagram accounts of mothers living this perfect, dreamy, tidy, pretty, happy life is a load of crap. Everyone has struggles. They are just really good at curating out the shit. This is your journey and you do not for even a second need to compare it to anyone else’s because the time your spend wishing it was all different is time you will never get back or time you could use to instead fall back in love with this new life you are living.
It’s hard, I know, but you got this. We all do. You are not alone.