The Past Doesn't Need You.
OK so hello again!
I have been getting pretty deep lately, you could blame my saturn return, or you could blame me getting closer to 30, or you could blame the craziness of the world right that really makes you think about life. Regardless, here I am. This morning I met with a friend and mentioned my general feelings of “lack” and how I have spent the last 15 years of my life being consumed by dieting, body image and food. What a waste. It has taken away my ability to achieve anything, complete anything, be clever, be smart, take risks. It’s taken away beautiful moments and filled my heart with so much sadness when instead it should have been filled with joy. I have been in fight or flight for so long I can’t remember being able to feel calm and connected. Until now. This last year or so I have grown so much in my own personal journey and can actually see the light! Food is bloody fabulous and I can’t believe it was the “enemy” for so long.
I now sit here and wonder what I actually have to offer the world. What is my value? I based my value on trying to be skinny. Nothing else really mattered. If only I had got serious help earlier on it maybe wouldn’t of taken me this long to recover. But perhaps this was exactly how it was meant to be. It’s sad to think about how unworthy I felt for so long and how this affected all those around me. I wasn’t a good friend, a good partner, a good anything really. My head was dis-eased. I watched high school friends goo to uni, travel, get good jobs, afford nice things, seem quite settled and steady in their lives all whilst I was running around life a headless chicken wonderful WTF is wrong with me. I have been different from a very young age and maybe didn’t have a way to express it early on. I feel things SO deeply. I never learnt to shut off to the energy around me and own my own. I am learning now. People really don’t care that much about your life, in all honesty, those who aren’t your close friends at least, so don’t allow them to consume your mind with judgement or “what ifs”. Let go. Release.
I find it so hard to do this, let go. It’s something I am training myself to do. I have found it hard to let go of my high school experience, my failures at studying events, nutrition, arts. I find it hard to let go of my first love and how magic that adventure could have been. I find it hard to let go of the fact I never allowed myself to chase my dreams of living in London even though it’s the only thing I was sure of since I was 14. I find it hard to let go of how poorly I treated people and myself. I find it hard to let go of how much money and time I have wasted. BUT I have the ability to let go. My past is just that, in the past. There is literally NOTHING we can do to change it. All we can do it learn from it and actually change our ways NOW so the future doesn’t replicate it. That is our power. That is your power.
So if there is something weighing heavy on your heart that comes attached to moons gone by, take a deep breath, imagine that experience as a ball of light inside your chest, and when you release your breath, let that ball of light drift out with it and disperse into the universe. It’s no longer yours to carry with you.
Now it’s time for the future. What a weird time to find ourselves in now right? But it’s allowing a reshuffling of the world. A reshuffling of your life. YOU ARE SO POWERFUL. You control how you react and perceive all events around you. You have that power within in you everyday. So now it’s time to decide who you want to be and how that looks for you. Then we step forward into that.